Mental health and wellbeing blog

How Therapy changed my life

Sat, 19 Apr 2025 16:43:32 GMT

How Therapy changed my life

How therapy changed my life

I was first offered therapy in the early 1990’s when I was diagnosed with depression at fifteen years old. My doctor had been worried about my self destructive behaviours and low moods. I had been raped and had told nobody about it. Sadly, I was not encouraged to go to the therapy by my parents, so I missed out.

But, in my mid twenties, I sought out therapy, due to the mounting distress I felt from my increasingly out of control behaviours and low moods at the time. I had person-centred therapy, which helped me to build my self esteem, Adlerian Therapy which helped me to forgive my mother for her erratic behaviours and the schizophrenia she suffered with, and Psychotherapy to name a few. But, it wasn’t until I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), that I was finally offered Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) via an NHS Clinical Psychologist called Kate (name changed). She used a person-centred and Psychological approach as well as CBT.

Kate wanted to know all about my childhood and young adulthood adversities to ascertain where my negative behaviours and depression had come from, giving her the key to understanding me and what I needed. By this time, I had been involved with drugs, alcohol and risky behaviours, and had anger issues which are linked to ACES (my Adverse Childhood Experiences). I also had very black and white thinking.

With patience and skill, Kate enabled me to learn new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving and taught me how each is linked to the other. Negative thinking would lead to negative feelings and then negative behaviours, cyclic in its essence. I couldn’t change my first thought but f I could change my subsequent thoughts, I could change my feelings and behaviours as a result.

I also worked on my obsessive and compulsive behaviours by slowly but surely challenging them and using systematic desensitisation by doing the thing that I was fearful about in small chunks at a time. I had to learn to be patient, resourceful and to trust my resilience just as I trusted Kate to help me.

My irrational fears were around leaving the house for fear of a fire or having left the door unlocked and other associated ideas, so gradually I left the house for five minutes, then came back to see that I had locked the door and nothing terrible had happened. Eventually, doing this gradually and with more frequency, I was able to leave the house for an afternoon, then a day, and be OK with it. Kate would also work through each fear by writing it down and then asking me, out of ten, how much I really believed the fear would happen. We would go back to them week on week so see if any of them had happened, thus proving to me more and more that they were just fears and worries, and not reality.

I wrote two memoirs twelve years ago about my life and experiences with BPD, OCD, anxiety, depression and recovery, which was cathartic for me and helpful to other sufferers, their families and mental health professionals. I mention Kate in them as she was such an integral part of my recovery. I am now fifty one years old. I used a pen name to write my books

I wrote Kate a thank you letter as without her I didn’t know where I would have been without her help. She really did help me to turn my life around and the CBT skills I learnt stay with me always.

I was then referred to a Psychoanalytic group therapy, to encourage my social skills, which led onto my starting a counselling course. I then completed the diploma and the rest is history. I have now been a Counsellor/Psychotherapist in private practice for the past eight years and I honestly think all my adversities and experiences with therapy myself have led me to this, so I can now help others as I was helped myself. I value personal therapy, and continue to have therapy whenever I need.

About me

I am a BACP Integrative Counsellor in private practice and now run a mental health tips group on Facebook where I post mental health tips of my own ( https://www.facebook.com/groups/mentalhealthtips ), I share videos on mental health on Youtube ( https://www.youtube.com/@SandraDeanCounselling/videos ) and write blogs on mental health on my website ( www.thinkchangecounsellingtherapies.co.uk ). I am a mental health advocate and try to break the stigma around talking about mental health.

Anger Management - some techniques to help you deal with your anger

Tue, 04 Feb 2025 16:58:53 GMT

Some tips to help you with your anger

Anger management - some techniques

In the moment…

Take yourself out of the situation if you can and wait 10 minutes to see if you can calm yourself down and see the situation differently.

If you cannot take yourself out of the situation, count to 10 and see if you can calm yourself down.

Ask yourself ‘Will it matter in a day, a month, or a year?’

Write down what you are angry about and why it matters and how much it matters. Then write down possible solutions if it is still bothering you.

Long term management…

Mindfulness - check in with your senses as often as possible - hearing, taste, touch, vision and smell. The more you are in touch with your senses and being mindful, the more relaxed and in the moment you will be.

Check in with yourself every morning/evening. How am I feeling? Mentally, physically and energy levels. Maybe you could prevent an angry outburst if you know you are already in a sensitive frame of mind.

Are there patterns of anger? Is there a sensitivity to someone or something happening (triggers) that you can be aware of? If so, you could make sure you take extra care when dealing with them.

Try to limit your alcohol - it inhibits our reactions to things and can cause anxiety the next day leaving us vulnerable in our emotions.

Notice if you are resentful or jealous about anything - it could be a trigger for anger.

Accept it if you have a part to play in circumstances - take responsibility

Anger is self sabotaging - look after yourself!

Let the past go. Don’t hold onto baggage.

Notice your internal dialogue - are you looking for things to be angry about?

Are you being criticised or do others expect too much from you or more than you are willing to give. Acknowledge this with them and point out your own needs and limitations.

Learn to communicate so that you can assert yourself or calm things down when necessary.

Make sure you are not holding onto shame or guilt - this can trigger anger amongst other things.

Even if we don’t have a choice about what is happenings we have a choice over how we react.

Use self control - we cannot control anyone else or certain things that happen in life, but we can control how we are and we feel good when we are in control of ourselves.

Write an unsent letter to a person or an emotion we are feeling. Get it all out on paper without the need for sensitivity. Many people find it helpful to rip it up afterwards as it helps to let it all go.

Visualise leaving your feelings at the door and close the door on them.

Do not play the blame game. Sometimes others are to blame and need to take responsibility but there is no need to blame self or others if it isn’t true.

Release anger in a safe way - via exercise or writing things down.

Is the anger triggered by sadness? This can often be the case. Sadness can make us feel vulnerable. Tackle the sadness.

Be grateful - thinking of three things a day that you are grateful for can help you to feel positive.

Sit with your hands palms open to the sky in your lap with a half smile on your face - it is amazing how this little technique can brighten your mood.

If someone else is angry and it is not to do with you, let them ‘keep’ their emotions - do not own them for yourself. Maybe they are just having a bad day.

If you know something could be a difficult experience, learn to transition in and out of it. So, prepare yourself for a few minutes beforehand and when it is done, transition back out for a few minutes into what you are going to be doing next. Ideally something relaxing.

Is there something bigger underlying more petty things? Is there something on your mind that you have not dealt with yet? If you can find it, take time to overcome it.

If nothing can be done about the person or thing happening, work on acceptance. Acceptance does not mean we condone it, it is purely accepting that nothing can be done. If something can be done, do it. Talk to the person, set up a petition, try to resolve things.

Meditation - look up guided meditations for anger or relaxation. These can be really helpful. Youtube have many meditations for every mood. Check them out.

And most of all look after yourself and your needs. Self care is the most important thing when it comes to living a good life. Do nice things, notice nice things and enjoy life!

Journalling - The benefits of writing a journal and how to make a start

Wed, 15 Jan 2025 16:35:34 GMT

J ournalling - The benefits of writing a journal and how to make a start

If you journal already, well done! It’s a great way to be in touch with how you feel, physically and mentally, what you may want to achieve and general wellbeing.

If you don’t already journal, I would like to share some tips…

As well as the above, journalling can help you to solve issues in your life, help to give you direction, and it is great to be able to look back and see how you were before - a year ago for example. You can track your journey through life and see your progress and growth.

Firstly, where to journal. We want a safe, calm, private space for journalling if possible. It could be your bedroom, a study or in a cafe if you can’t find the space at home.

Make sure you have time to journal. If all you can do is a few minutes, then that’s better than nothing at all, but if you can carve out half and hour or an hour, all the better.

Timing… You may be able to get up early in the morning to journal while you are fresh from sleep, and this is the best time as you haven’t had the day to get on top of you. But, you can journal before you go to bed and get everything down that has bothered you in the day. Or maybe you need to do it at another time, when the children are at school, or after work etc. Try to have a routine if you can, but if you can’t then something is better than nothing at all.

If possible, use a notebook or journal, as it has more power written by hand. Find a book to suit you. Some people buy a notebook especially for their journalling and this is what I would recommend. but, if you really prefer, you can do it on your laptop, tablet or phone.

So, how to start?

You can use a journal that has the prompts you like in it. These are available easily.

You can just write whatever comes into your head - a stream of consciousness as it were. Whatever is on your mind, just let the thoughts come and write them down.

You can use a prompt, such as ‘How am I today, in this moment’. This is a nice one as you can do this every day and night as a ‘check in’ with yourself and you will be able to see if there are any patterns in your moods based on what goes on in your life.

Other prompts could be

‘What are my goals?’

‘What am I grateful for?’

‘How was my day?’

‘What made me happy?’

‘What did I achieve today?’

’What am I looking forward to tomorrow?’

‘What is today’s affirmation?’

’What is my intention or commitment to myself for the day?’

‘How was my energy today?’

‘What did I do well today?’

It depends if it is a day or night journal. Or you could do both!

See where it takes you.

If, for any reason, your emotions get triggered during journalling, take some time out, and time for yourself. Work out what triggered you and what you can do about it. Do you need to work on that thing? Do you need to seek help with it? Do you need counselling?

Happy journalling!

Internal dialogue and how it can help you

Sun, 06 Oct 2024 18:15:24 GMT

Internal Dialogue

We can use our physical body language to help us to feel better, like having open hands and a half smile, but what about what is going on inside your head - ie how you talk to yourself?

How we talk to ourselves is key to good mental health. If we berate ourselves or put ourselves down internally, we will have low self esteem and a low mood. If we change that negative self talk to something more positive, it will boost our self esteem, and thus our mood.

Try noticing how you think about yourself and if you notice negatives, turn them around into positives. So, we could say ‘I can’t do that’ but it could be ‘I can do that’ or ‘I could do that’.

If you drop something don’t berate yourself, just accept that it’s an accident and clear it up calmly.

Also, try to tell yourself positive things about you; it will really help your self esteem and confidence.

Dealing with Loss

Thu, 04 Jul 2024 14:18:56 GMT

Some ideas on dealing with loss - in my experience

Two questions came up for me recently with regard to dealing with loss and I want to share them here as they brought up a lot of ideas.

Firstly, what are the resource s I have found in dealing with loss?

I put:

Support and community

Being in nature

Creativity

Mindfulness

Meditation

Workshops on loss

Reading

My pets

A memory tree for my mum so I have a place to visit and remember her

I have kept mum’s ashes

Research

Having a funeral to say goodbye

Secondly, what have I had to develop within myself to manage that loss?

Creativity - writing and poetry and art

Ability to ask for support

Resilience and strength

Acceptance of mum’s death

Sharing with others in community

How to be a fighter

Assertiveness

Mindfulness

Being able to do the things I would do with mum on my own or with another and enjoy them

Ability to reminisce

Research

A new routine

Think about the resources you have used and what you have had to develop in order to overcome loss.

Anxiety and holidays

Fri, 08 Mar 2024 17:03:33 GMT

Anxiety and holidays

Anxiety can hit us at anytime, but it can be particularly problematic when we go through changes. For me, a holiday is a wonderful thing but it used to take days before I was comfortable in my new surroundings. At the beginning, I often felt like going back home, could not relax completely and did not sleep well. But, by the end, I was so comfortable I wanted to stay longer! It’s not like it’s a shock as holidays are booked in advance, and they are something I desired, but there was still anxiety every time.

If you suffer the same, what can be done to help this anxiety?

Prepare for the trip:

Imagine being in the new places and away from home in your mind. Focus on photos of where you are going.

Pack home comforts, whether that’s a hot water bottle or a favourite pair of slippers.

Pack everything you need so you don’t get caught out. Painkillers, plasters, first aid etc

Things you can do whilst away:

Unpack as soon as you can to make yourself at home in your new surroundings.

Make sure you take medications at the same time even if there is a time difference where you are going.

Make sure you get enough sleep - stick with any normal bedtime routines you have when not on holiday.

Meditate on your breathe, or be mindful - tap into your taste, smell, touch, sound or sight to help you focus.

Try to stay off social media or other distractions as they will keep you from relaxing in your current environment.

Forgiveness and why it is worth it

Fri, 09 Feb 2024 17:53:55 GMT

Forgiveness and why it is worth it

F orgiveness - and why it is worth it

I held onto resentments for the longest time. It did me no good, for I was holding anger and negative feelings towards another that was just getting on with their lives. I was the one suffering, and I kept myself in that state. But what do we do when we are in that state?

We can seek revenge. We can resent or suffer as a result all our lives. Or we can at least try to forgive.

So, what is forgiveness? And is it for the other person? Forgiveness is a state in which we can empathise with the other person, realise that whatever they did they did for a reason, that they may not be all bad and can release the resentments we have for them. We do it for us, not for them.

In order t o forgive, we must be ready to take on a new idea about the other person. What is it like to be them? Why might they have done what they did?

Then we must radically accept what has happened. It is done, there is nothing we can do about it now.

Then we can think about what we have become and learnt as a result of what they have done. For me, I learnt resilience, self awareness and boundaries. There is usually a silver lining. What is yours? Remember we forgive for us, and we do not need to tell the other person we forgive them unless we want to.

Now I have forgiven the people that have hurt me in my past, they no longer hurt me. I feel free. And you can too.

For more information, watch this great documentary about forgiveness on BBC Iplayer: Humza: Forgiving the Unforgivable - https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m001hhr8/humza-forgiving-the-unforgivable

Or follow the Forgiveness Project: https://www.theforgivenessproject.com

Energy levels and transitions between different personas

Fri, 02 Feb 2024 13:51:39 GMT

E nergy levels and transitions between different personas

W hen did you last wake up and work out what energy you had for the day ahead? If we know what energy we have, we know just how much we will be capable of and can plan what to do and what not to do.

Transitions… I wonder how many hats you put on in one day? How many personas you have? How many modes you are in? You could be mum, dad, sister, brother, friend, work colleague, manager or student, to name but a few, at any one time. But, do you transition between them well or do you crash from one into the other in the space of minutes?

If we go to work or college or to see someone and have a journey to get there, we have time to transition from home mode to whatever mode we need to be in, but what about when there isn’t a journey or time in-between? Do you plan to have time in-between different tasks or modes? Or do you just go with the flow until you are exhausted and have sensitivity overdrive?

Do you pick up the phone automatically if it rings whether you are in the mood for the conversation or person or do you think ‘I’ll call them back when I have time’?

We live in a world of speed and a feeling of ‘must do it now’ or ‘must have it now’ and with social media and mobile phones, we can tend to be a slave to them. So, next time your phone rings or a notification comes through, think about it before responding. Is it more important to concentrate on what you are doing in that moment instead?

62 Mental Health Tips for your wellbeing

Sun, 29 Oct 2023 10:32:43 GMT

62 Mental Health tips for your wellbeing

I have put together all my best mental health tips for you below. Some have links to more information. I hope you find them useful! :-)

Write down all the things you have achieved in life

Write down all the things you are good at

Write down three things you are grateful for today. More about this HERE (opens in a new window)

We can’t always do everything ourselves. Sometimes we need to ask for help. We wouldn’t hesitate to get a plumber in if we couldn’t fix the washing machine ourselves.

If you need a wake up call, splashing cold water on your face might be just the thing! It will wake you up but also can change negative thoughts or feelings. It is also calming to bring your temperature down.

Hot water bottles and blankets may be just the comfort you need!

We all know about to do lists, but what about a ‘done’ list. After doing a task, write it down and tick it off. It’s very satisfying, without the pressure and we may be more likely to do something if the pressure if off to do it.

Instead of concentrating on lots of things, take one thing at a time and tackle that. Then move on to the next.

If you have trouble fitting in ‘self care’ put it in your diary - an hour here and there could work wonders on your feelings of self worth and self esteem and could help you to feel relaxed and purposeful.

Start your day as you mean to go on - if you are stressed first thing, you will be trying to get rid of the stress. But, if you wake and are relaxed, it will make a big difference. The same goes for going to bed. If you go to be relaxed, you will most likely wake relaxed.

When going from one mode or task to another, give yourself a little time in-between to prepare for the next thing. When coming home from work take time to transition into home mode, and vice versa, from being mum to being a friend etc.

Learning is great for our minds - what could you learn today? From a book, a person (ask questions) or the internet. I personally love TedTalks.

We need connection. Contact someone today, give someone you love a hug, make plans to see friends.

Try to find a space that is your space - somewhere you can go to if you need space away from family etc.

Eat one piece of dark chocolate a day (not at night) - flavonoids, caffeine, and theobromine in chocolate are thought to work together to improve alertness and mental skills

Make sure you get your omega-3 (oily fish, nuts and seeds, and olive oil) as it can play a role in the prevention of depression.

Writing can be very cathartic - if you have a problem, a story or something you are bursting to get out - write it down.

Art, be it sketching, painting or colouring in books, is great for mental wellbeing, mindfulness and calming anxiety

Write down what you want to achieve and carry it around to remind you.

Do you have a happy playlist? If not, it might be worth making one if you can. If not, get your favourite CD’s out or put on a favourite radio station.

Incorporate ‘breathing exercises’ into your day. We often forget to breathe when we are anxious or stressed. This will give us a regular breathe so that when we need it, we can use it as a coping mechanism too. Make some time to breathe in and out in a relaxed way.

Write an unsent letter to those who you cannot talk to. It can help to release trauma and negative thoughts.

If you cannot sleep, do something relaxing like reading or colouring in. Open a window, or change your sheets for a fresh, inviting bed.

Remember to be nice to yourself. Life isn’t all about people pleasing, it’s about pleasing self too. Be kind to self. Treat yourself as you would others’

Make a list of all the things that make you smile. It will be a good list to go to when you are not feeling so great. You can pick something from it and do it. It will be your personal list.

Have a chat with yourself - Ask yourself “How are you today?” And ‘What do you need?”

Sometimes, we just need to accept that we feel a certain way - there isn’t always an answer or solution to everything, and sometimes we just feel sad, down, a little stressed etc.

Not always, but sometimes distraction is just what we need. Doing something to stop ourselves feeling a certain way or thinking negative thoughts.

Make a list of all the things that help you to relax. Your own personal list you can go to at any time.

Make sure you practice self care - be it having a treat, an hour extra in bed, a long bath, a new activity, doing something you like, eating well, getting a good sleep, or just having a few moments to yourself.

Don’t be afraid to change plans, sometimes they need to change if they are not working for us or others’. Sometimes we need to be the ones to change the plans if they are not working for us.

Mental health workbooks can be useful - check them out.

Write down any negative thoughts you have - see if there is a pattern of negative thoughts or whether they are triggered by certain things.

Try to never regret - think of mistakes or things that didn’t go your way as lessons learned (positive), not things to regret (negative).

Make things to look forward to; in the short and long term. We feel good when we have things planned.

Try not to use the word ‘should’. Instead use words like ‘I could’ or ‘I want to’. ‘Should’ means we are putting pressure on doing something unnecessarily.

Have a ‘not so good day’ plan written out. Write it when you are feeling good. It will help you to be more positive with self help when you are having a bad day and it will be in your voice of reason.

Get nostalgic - dip into games, smells, food, activities, places etc from the past that remind you of good times.

Check out mental health podcasts or talks on mental health via places like Ted Talks ( ted.com )

Make your home space work for you - make it comfortable, warm and just how you like it.

Focus on what you can control and not what you cannot control. We need to have control of ourselves and our thoughts in particular.

Having a routine is great for mental health. This could be going to bed at the same time, eating regularly, time for work and down time, exercising and doing things you love.

Limit your screen time so you have balanced down time. Take a break from the news if you need to.

Remember to eat tasty things, smell things you like, look at things that make you smile, listen to things that bring warmth to you and touch comforting things - basically use your five senses for wellbeing and mindfulness. I’ve written more about this HERE (opens in a new window)

Make sure you have purpose and meaning in life - we need things to get us out of bed in the morning. It could be work, volunteering, arts and crafts, creating music, singing, or any group interest. I write more about this HERE (opens in a new window)

Write a letter to yourself about what you want to achieve and who you are now. You can keep It for the future, but it will help to ground you in the moment.

Remember you are not alone - everyone has their vulnerabilities.

Remember, we all carry our inner child with us. We lived as a child, so of course we do. It’s all in our memory. We might bring him/her out as fun or wonder, or it might be trauma, but be kind to your inner child, make a new relationship with him/her, let them know you are now looking after YOU.

Make sure you laugh - put on a funny film, remember good times with friends and family or just laugh out loud. I love a funny animal video myself.

Turn off your phone and go see someone in person

Jump around and dance! Even if it’s when you are cleaning or bored! Dancing can reduce levels of cortisol (stress hormone), and increases endorphins (our"feel-good" chemicals). Have fun like no-one is watching!

Spending time with animals lowers the stress hormone, cortisol, and boosts oxytocin, which stimulates feelings of happiness. Whether it’s your own pet, a friends pet or animals at a local rescue centre where you could volunteer.

Omega-3 fatty acids are linked to decreased rates of depression Use fish oil supplements or eat wild salmon, flaxseeds or walnuts.

Let things go - if someone cuts you up in the car, pushes past you etc, don’t let it ruin your day.

Get a good sleep. Poor sleep can increase the excretion of ghrelin, which makes us hungry. Added to poor judgement, we can eat too much of the foods that are not good for us. Did you know that lettuce and bananas are calming... bananas are great for sleep. Lack of sleep can raise cortisol levels resulting in an anxious mood.

Research has shown that being in nature can increase energy levels, reduce depression and boost well-being.

Vitamin D is a mood elevator - get a bit of sun, or take supplements

Try something new - a change really can be as good as a rest and you might just enjoy it

Take back control of your anger if you have it. If we get annoyed at what people do or do not do, we have to take responsibility for how we feel. We cannot afford to go around blaming everyone else for our anger. For one thing, we will be stuck in our anger. For another, it is not right. I have written more about this HERE (opens in a new window)

Alcohol and anxiety. Alcohol has an effect on brain chemistry - it can induce panic because of its effects on GABA, a chemical in the brain that normally has a relaxing effect. Small amounts of alcohol can stimulate GABA and cause feelings of relaxation, but heavy drinking can deplete GABA, causing increased tension and feelings of panic. So, this is why we can experience anxiety after drinking alcohol. Hangxiety, Hangover anxiety, beer fear - whatever you want to call it.

Make sure you have good personal boundaries - more about this HERE (opens in a new window)

Don't make assumptions! More about this HERE (opens in a new window)

A few tips for anger management

Wed, 04 Oct 2023 10:21:34 GMT

A few tips for anger management

A nger is a destructive emotion/feeling to have. It is something we all get in differing quantities. Anger needs managing; for some more than others. So, let’s have a look at some ways in which we can manage it.

Blame.

Often, with anger comes blame. Or rather blame starts off the anger.

“It was his fault.”

“If they didn’t pull out on me I wouldn’t be angry.”

“That person ignored me so I am angry.”

“You’ve made me angry by doing that/not doing that”

Sound familiar?

We cannot afford to go around blaming everyone else for our anger. For one thing, we will be stuck in our anger. For another, it is not right.

Yes, sometimes we do get annoyed at what people do or do not do, but we have to take responsibility for how we feel.

We may feel angry because we are vulnerable or sad and we cannot take that on board. No one wants to feel vulnerable or sad but if we can accept those emotions we can live with them and do something with them, instead of projecting them out as anger.

If someone pulls out on us or does something that annoys us, we have a choice. We can get angry or we can take back control of ourselves. We can decide that what they have done is not worth us spoiling our day over. Because it isn’t. Don’t give others that much control over you, take it back. Practice mindfulness. Concentrate on one of your five senses; sight, sound, taste, smell or touch.

If you are stuck in a traffic jam, don’t get annoyed and hit the steering wheel, wind down the window and listen to what’s outside, put on some music, think about something nice - anything but get wound up. Anything that is nice instead of anger. Once you take back control of your anger in small ways, you will feel better and want to do it more. Let’s face it, if you can be less angry, it will benefit YOU, and others.

I am not saying accept the unacceptable, but to accept what goes on around us or in the wider world is better than trying to fight what we cannot win. Injustice happens around us all the time. Some things we can do something about and if we can, then do it. But, if there is nothing we can do then we do need to accept that fact and not keep fighting a losing battle.

Take time out if you are angry. Instead of doing or saying something impulsively, walk out of the room or the area, take a few moments, and decide what is best rather than just letting anger speak or act for you. Regret is a horrible thing. Better to take control in the moment than to feel regret at a later date.

If someone does something that you don’t like, instead of an angry outburst, think about what it is that you want to achieve. Do you want them to stop doing the thing, saying the thing, what is it about it that annoys you? Does it make you feel sad? What is the reality of the thing? Once you know, you can assertively (not aggressively) say what it is. Let others’ understand you.

Assertiveness is not aggression. Assertiveness is saying what you need to say (your needs, your wants, what you feel or think) in as less words as possible and sticking to them. It is having your say without the need to go on and on. If we go on and on, over explaining or complaining the message gets lost and diluted.

Take back control of yourself. For YOU, and for others’ benefit.

Acceptance of our past, present, future, ourselves and what others do is a key to contentment and happiness and very helpful to combat anxiety and depression

Fri, 02 Dec 2022 14:29:40 GMT

Acceptance is a powerful tool and can create harmony and contentment

Carrying around resentment, annoyance, or ill feeling about things we cannot change or our past negative experiences serves only to weigh us down with negative vibes.

Let’s look at some examples and possibly what to do about each of them…

PRESENT NATURAL EVENTS OR BECAUSE OF OTHERS…

A current disturbance for many… I am continually shocked at just how upset people get about politics even after a democratic vote has chosen a certain route. Most recently, in the UK, this has been prevalent around the vote to leave the EU and the vote for a Conservative Government. The vote is done yet many cannot accept it. I have seen and heard a lot of anger, abuse and arguments about it all. It really would be easier for us if we can accept something we cannot change in the moment. If we can change it, seek to do so, but if we cannot, accept it. Not just politics, but many other things we cannot change, such as crime, abuse and farming. Again, if we can do something about things we are passionate about, then great, do so – I wholeheartedly support using our own voice and individuality. I personally, for the last 15 years, have wished everyone would stop consuming palm oil, which, by its production, harms the environment, the rainforest, the indigenous people, the wildlife which exists in the environment including the beautiful Orangutan (second closest in DNA to a human), and our own health (via eating it). But, I had to give up on my frustrations with people not coming on board with my campaign and just campaign fuelled by hope instead. I felt a lot better for it.

OUR PAST NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES – NATURAL EVENTS OR BECAUSE OF OTHERS…

If there is any chance you can deal with negative past experiences then try with all you have in you. Maybe you need to talk about the events, or write down what happened.

Think about who was involved, how you felt then, how you feel now about it, what happened, and what you can do about it now. Is there anything you can do? If there is, great, but if there isn’t, why hold on to the memory? Why keep it in your conscious mind, so it can eat away at you? Can you change it? If you can’t, let it go. We can accept that even negative events in life can lead to positive outcomes.

If I hadn’t had a dysfunctional childhood, with negatives in it, or had mental health issues, I wouldn’t have spent years writing about it, and publishing my first book – a memoir. I wouldn’t have gone on to learn more about writing and editing, and published ten books. I probably wouldn’t be a therapeutic counsellor now, as the drive to help others’ by writing and counselling was borne from me having lots of talking therapies, which helped me no end. Or reading other people’s memoirs which helped me feel less alone.

I used to spend far too much time resenting, misunderstanding, and wishing I could change my past, and all the wrongdoings of others’ towards me, including someone who sent me into bankruptcy, but all it did was make me miserable and I couldn’t live in the moment of the present day because my mind was always so full of the past, going over and over in my head. It affected me mentally and physically.

Once I learnt to work through my past and learn as much as I could from it, so as not to make the same mistakes, or to understand others’ behaviours plus my own, it was time to accept it all as the past and move on in a more positive way. I learnt to take a good look at my relationships, and stick to ones that were more positive for me and the acceptance of the past allowed me to enjoy life, be more content, and to live more in the moment.

To accept means we can:

Learn something – how not to make mistakes, how we can do something we thought we couldn’t, how to empathise with others and see things from their point of view, that things did not turn out as bad as we may have predicted etc
Be more free of discontent
Not harbour resentment as this could affect our relationships (mistrust etc)
Leaves us with more energy for the things that we can do something about
Gives us a clearer mind
Stops us worrying
Helps with symptoms of anxiety and depression

I co unselled a client who resented his friends for their positive upbringings and all the opportunities that were open to them, but when I asked if they are happier than him, he thought for a moment and said ‘no’. I asked him if they had taken up their myriad of opportunities and he said no. I then asked him who was further ahead in his job and saving money and he said he was. I said this was because he had to make his own way in the world at seventeen, with big responsibility so he was way ahead in work and knowing what direction he needed to go in life, while they live at home with their parents (nothing wrong with that). Once he realised that all the past negatives in his life had made him the determined, intelligent young man of today, his resentment of his past, his parents and his friends slowly melted. He felt even stronger and more positive.

WORRYING ABOUT THE FUTURE…

The other thing to accept, which is v ery important, is the future. Whatever it is that we worry about, it is ALWAYS about the future, which hasn’t happened yet. But, if we can understand the worst that could happen, and how we might overcome issues, with a plan in place, and the knowledge that we have done all we can do about it, then we need to try to accept that fact. Worrying about it will not change it; it will just upset us, anger us, and make our chances of living in the moment of ‘today’ slim.

Think about your own past and how you could accept them, and your own concerns for the future, and how you can lower the worry of the unknown which might or might not come. On so many occasions we can expect something bad to happen and it doesn’t, and we realise we caused ourselves lots of stress for nothing, but it’s learning from our mistakes that’s the positive way, not ignoring them.

ACCEPTING YOURSELF…

Acceptance is also about accepting yourself as you are (tell yourself you are enough) and accepting others’ as they are.

Acceptance has worked wonders for me, and I hope it works for you too!

If you would like therapy for anxiety but cannot access it, I have devised and filmed a 14 session programme for overcoming anxiety - please see my page for more details by clicking HERE

Do you know what a personal boundary is and do you have any?

Fri, 02 Dec 2022 10:45:14 GMT

Identifying the need for personal boundaries and noticing what we need

Do you know what a personal boundary is?

You might think of it as a way to cope with other people; a way to keep space between yourself and them. That would be right.

You might see it as a set of rules for dealing with a person. That would also be right.

We usually know all about the personal space we might want to have around us like an aura between ourselves and strangers in a queue or a crowd, so they don’t touch or bump into us for example. But, we also need personal ‘inner’ boundaries to deal with absolutely everyone – family, friends, acquaintances, work colleagues and managers, and lovers. Those are the boundaries that can protect us from being mistreated or taken advantage of by others. Or they might just be a way of internally knowing that you are only going to let another person or organisation, for example, do certain things that involve you. They are there to protect your wellbeing, and to ensure you can cope.

Sometimes we have them in place, subconsciously, but we can also manage them in our conscious thoughts too. Putting them in place can be extremely important and can save a lot of heartache or anger in the future.

OK, so some examples from my point of view… I have found myself going out to see a family member regularly, and not really wanting to go. This happened a few times before I decided to think why this was. After some soul searching, I came to the conclusion that it was because the person was quite manipulative in getting me to do things, and mixed with my thing of saying ‘yes’ before thinking about it, (being a people pleaser) I was just saying yes when I meant no. I put some defences in place and learnt to say no sometimes. It didn’t actually take that long to recognise that when I did say yes, and meant it, I looked forward to going, rather than feeling it was more of a task.

Another time, a person was making me feel anxious, frustrated, angry and sad, both when I was with them and after I left their company and the negative feelings stayed with me for far too long to be good. I couldn’t work out why I felt those things or what I could do about it. The person appeared to be caring and wanting to know all about me, therefore I felt listened to, so what was it all about? After some soul searching I came to the conclusion that, although they were a good listener, and questioner, they also had a very strong sense of ‘I know best’ and what I felt were debates, actually ended up being like an inquisition and invalidation of what I thought and felt. Furthermore, if I did something they didn’t think was right, I would be pulled apart for it. This was a really tough one to unravel, and it is hard to explain, but the main thing is that I needed to take a break from this person to work out what to do about it. Being positive, and looking for positives, I had only seen the good things in this person and not how they were affecting me negatively. After a break, not only did the person know why I had needed the break and wasn’t willing to go back to how things had been, but I had ‘boundaries’ in place to ensure they wouldn’t get back into those habits with me. If it began again, I would shut them off. I felt more in control of myself and what I was willing to accept.

Having boundaries not only helps you to feel individual and in control of yourself, but they can help others to change negative behaviours.

The more you challenge yourself and self-analyse as to why you feel negative with, or after being with, certain people, or during certain things, you can then work on finding out why you feel that way, if it is something in you that is making you feel that way, whether it is something they are doing to make you feel that way, or if it is a mixture of those things.

Boundaries are necessary for everyone, whether in the school playground, as a child, parent, adult or elderly person. Sometimes we have to learn to say no.; or even goodbye if the relationship is just not going to work because the other person cannot cope with your boundaries. Sometimes we have to talk about the boundaries we are going to set, and sometimes we can quietly put them in action and just let them work.

Boundaries could be there to stop domestic violence, bullying, being taken for granted at work, so we can avoid getting sucked into something we don’t want to get sucked into, or because we are not going to be treated like that by our partners. Whatever, or whoever it is, if you are feeling negative when being around those things or people, try to think about what it is that is negative for you, and try to put boundaries in place to protect yourself.

It might be that the other person/organisation do not know they are doing it, or they are innocently trying to help; boundaries can be soft reminders or a great protection.

So, do you have any personal boundaries and what are they?

If you would like therapy for anxiety but cannot access it, I have devised and filmed a 14 session programme for overcoming anxiety - please see my page for more details by clicking HERE

Inferiority issues, anxiety and a tip for self-destructive traits

Fri, 02 Dec 2022 00:29:52 GMT

Inferiority and self worth

Inferiority issues

It is very easy to feel inferior to others when we feel down or anxious and cannot do what we perceive others’ can do easily. If we feel very down and at times useless, we can make up stories that people are thinking negatively about us. We hear what we want to hear and don’t always hear what the person is really saying because something hits a chord with us and we concentrate on it so much we believe they are aiming their comments at us. We take what someone says personally, even if it wasn’t aimed at us at all. At times, I have misconstrued what people have said to me. For example, someone could be talking about how easy they find it to cook, yet other people don’t cook much anymore. Now, if I do not cook much because I just don’t feel like it and I feel bad that I don’t cook and am not healthy and it’s on my mind… well, I could take what they have said as a personal insult. Because I have already berated myself for it, I might perceive that they are picking on me too. What I would need to do is to ask myself what the person really meant. Did they make the comment really about me, or were they generalising? Was it just that they struck a chord with my feeling of weakness without knowing it? In my experience, more often than not, I have misinterpreted others’ comments to be a dig at me just because I was feeling low myself. So, ask yourself, am I making up a story here, before jumping to conclusions.

And just because other people can do things or have experienced things/know things we do not, it doesn’t mean we are inferior either. We all live our lives, day by day, year by year, and experience things that arise for US. We do not have the same experience as anyone else, and nor do we think exactly the same way. So, if anyone judges our knowledge against their own, we need to feel strong and know that we might not know the world’s knowledge the same as them, but we have our own unique knowledge and experiences of the same world, be it historical, from books, or from our own feelings.

A self-worth tip!

This is especially helpful if we experience self-destructive behaviours and low self-worth.

To find out how to look after yourself in the best way and to find out what you really think, if a matter arises that is negative, just ask yourself what you would tell your loved one to do if they were in the same predicament. We might not look after ourselves at times, but want the best for those close to us, and this is a great way to re-evaluate what we do ourselves.

Take care

If you would like therapy for anxiety but cannot access it, I have devised and filmed a 14 session programme for overcoming anxiety - please see my page for more details by clicking HERE

The basic philosophy of living; our needs, desires and what makes us tick and make our lives worth living – existentialism

Thu, 01 Dec 2022 01:57:38 GMT

Mortality, meaning and freedom,

The basics of existence and life

I have been reading a little about Existential Theory and the philosophy of it, plus the whole concept of being genuine and a more authentic self. I find it fascinating and we can all gain something from it, so I have chosen to outline the highlights I find particularly interesting. Do not be put off by the harshness of the subjects – if we can understand and embrace the realities of life, we can become a more rounded, fulfilled person, rather than someone who hides in fear of reality. I feel that a lot of our pain is caused by our mere existence as below.

Death

This is probably the harshest of all. As soon as we are born we are on our way towards death. As a child, we find out at some point or another and our naivety is challenged. Many of us then spend our lives denying the reality of death, or hiding from it, or finding deeper meaning to life and our ‘passing on’ fuelled by religious beliefs. We find ways to cope with the reality. If we do embrace it, however, we can seek to enjoy our lives and be more at peace with the notion.

Then there is the anxiety caused by the idea and realities of those close to us dying. We experience these things at different ages and must find our own way to grieve, but what about just the idea that a person will die? If we think about that too much, it could be very negative, so we hide the fact by ignoring it, finding a faith that allows us to believe better things will happen once we pass on, or we get sad about it. Some people even plan for it. My own father felt that most important to him is that he leaves enough money behind him to pay for his own funeral and my mum’s. When I was younger, I couldn’t talk about death at all, or any planning or wills with my dad, but now, as they get older and older, I have had to face it – the reality of it.

We plan for other things in our lives – holidays, work, meeting friends – in fact we are constantly making plans, but plans around death, for many, are taboo.

Freedom, which comes with responsibility

Oh, how we love to have our ‘freedom’ in life. We are born as individuals and do have the freedom of living our lives as we wish to quite a large degree. Sounds great, doesn’t it? But, with that freedom comes responsibility; we must make our own decisions and choices, we must make our own lives seem worthwhile to us, we must make our lives continue and enjoy or suffer the consequences of our own choices and actions.

So, essentially we do have freedom, and we think we want it, but sometimes that freedom is overwhelming and we wish we could be managed by others; given a structure to live within.

Embrace our freedom, and we can make brilliant choices, learn so much from life, and experience many different things for self-fulfilment. We might also become less in denial of ourselves instead of blaming the events and people in the outside world for our own problems. We can become stuck, forgetting that we make our own destiny and need to take responsibility for it, ourselves, and owning our own personality and actions. We cannot change others, but we can change ourselves if we want to. If we say it’s not our fault, the world is crap and it’s all because of this and that, then no change will occur. Change occurs when we take responsibility for ourselves and make things happen – whether that be an easy journey one day and a very difficult challenge the next.

Isolation and loneliness

It is perfectly natural to feel isolated and lonely in life. We were born alone into this world, and we die alone. If we accept that fact, and work on how we can feel more integrated and part of a group, we can learn to fit in. We are intelligent, social creatures, who need contact with others, but we need to make that happen watching out that we are not just holding on to relationships just so that we are not lonely/isolated. Relationships are not the best if they are just based on isolation avoidance. We like to be popular, but staying with negative relationships just to negate our loneliness and isolation is not the key to fulfilling this need.

Relationships, however, that are more authentic and with less boundaries, can work very well. If we are isolated because of our own personalities, we can change if we want to, to ensure we integrate better.

In avoiding isolation and loneliness, we do much more than just look for a partner to fill our time – it could be having children, making ourselves busy, taking up hobbies, going to the gym, seeing friends… but instead of covering up, we could embrace it and say it’s OK, because everyone experiences this.

Meaning (and authentic relationship)

We all need meaning in life. We like to feel useful, successful, popular. Without meaning, we can feel worthless, useless and unwanted, so we strive all the time to gain meaning in life. We work, earn money, are responsible, have friends, relationships, see family, we study and we travel seeking new information anything else to make our lives worth living.

The reality here is that no-one is going to give us meaning in life – we must seek it and make it happen for ourselves. It is sometimes hard work, and if we slack in this task, we can feel awful.

Many ways to create meaning come from the relationships we have but again we must be careful, as one negative relationship can bring us to rock bottom and kick our self-worth out of the window anyway. We can seek fulfilling, two way relationships, where there is comfort and joy and trust; an authentic relationship with people who are also genuine.

We need hobbies, exercise, and interests to keep us going too, and a sense of control over our lives can help us to build meaning. We feel worth-while. But, essentially, it is not just about making ourselves busy – we need to be committed to what we are doing or who we are with to fully build meaning.

If you would like therapy for anxiety but cannot access it, I have devised and filmed a 14 session programme for overcoming anxiety - please see my page for more details by clicking HERE

We all need purpose in life, but what is yours?

Thu, 01 Dec 2022 01:37:01 GMT

What is your purpose in life and does it work for you?

M ost of us are born without a purpo se, other than for our parents, or other, to look after us and bring us up. Many do

not even have that purpose to start with. But, what about when we grow up? After school ends? What is our purpose then?

Some of us may do what our parents want of us; go to university, get a certain job, keep the family business going, marry a certain type of person. The list could go on there, but what if we must do what we think is best? Make our own choices? Do we let ‘fate’ take control? Do we strive for something? Or do we give up?

Well, making our own choices is what most of us end up having to do, at least at some point. What would we be and how would we feel without purpose? Useless? Unloved?

Building our own purpose in life is one of the basic needs of our existence.

We need purpose to stimulate and nurture our mental health, and we can find it in many things:

Work
Friendships
Love life
Family
Interests
Education

But , even so, we still must usually work for the purpose and make choices.

For example:

Work – We need to choose a job to go for. We must pass an interview to get the job, or maybe more. We must train for the job, and be committed to work to get real purpose from it.
Friendships – To be in a friendship, we have to be worth knowing to the other person (s), helpful, polite etc
Love life – We have to work at loving another and accepting being loved. We must care for and appreciate another person enough that they will want us in their lives and love us back. We have to work out how that person likes to be loved, ie hugs? Kisses? Being taken out? Mental support etc. And how do we want to be loved? If we know, we can share, and create better harmony. Bearing in mind, the lover often started out as a stranger, we have a lot of work to do. Trust, is another thing. But it can give us great purpose in life to be in a loving relationship; the terms marriage, partner, ‘other half’ etc. say it all.
Family – Well we might be blood relatives, but we still have to work at keeping relationships with those in our family. We don’t HAVE to, but we usually want to.
Children – If we are a mother, father or caregiver to children, we have an important purpose for many years.
Pets – Looking after our pets is fulfilling and our purpose is to look after them.
Interests – We choose interests based on our access to them and knowledge of their existence. We might get good at them, ie playing a musical instrument, singing, sewing, crafting things, participating in adventures or sport, but we must first commit to learning a new thing or at least be willing try it out.
Education – We need commitment to learning, and the ability to socialise with others, generally, in order to educate ourselves. Although we can also learn from home. Once we are educated about something, we become useful to others’ for our knowledge and we feel pleased that we have new knowledge.

There are lots of other ways of looking at it, but this article would be far too long if I tried to tackle the enormity of having purpose in life. However, I hope I have explained enough so that you understand why we need it, how we might get it, and how we often must look for it ourselves — rarely is it handed on a plate. Even if it was, we would soon bore or become disillusioned about the purpose, if we hadn’t decided upon it ourselves, hadn’t striven for it ourselves and had committed to it ourselves.

So, my reason for this article is…

Without purpose in life, we can feel:

Useless
Unwanted
That we have no meaning

These can lead to:

Isolation
Depression
Anxiety
Mental health issues
Impulsivity
Low self-esteem and self-worth
Cause us not to look after ourselves with the attitude of ‘what’s the point?’
And much more…

It’s not about randomly picking things up to make us feel we have a purpose, because impulsive things might not last anyway – it’s about putting our mind, hearts and soul into things or people, so we benefit from them. It is also best is to do these things from our heart, rather than in a self-fulfilling, selfish way.

I have suffered with loss of purpose at times. If you feel out of sorts, like something is missing, this might to something to work on for you.

If you would like therapy for anxiety but cannot access it, I have devised and filmed a 14 session programme for overcoming anxiety - please see my page for more details by clicking HERE

Freedom and choice, we all have them but do we appreciate it?

Thu, 01 Dec 2022 01:10:17 GMT

Do you appreciate your freedom and choice or do you get stuck?

T hroughout our lives there will be a multitude of stressors. Many will be connected to our mere existence and our personal experience of it. In other words, just being alive can create stress as we manoeuvre our way through life. A few big ones that can hit us hard are:

Death (ou r own mortality or losing a loved one)
Thoughts of why am I here or what am I supposed to do?
Lonelines s or lack of connection to others
Moving h ome
Divorce/ Break up
Freedom

(These and many more are outlined and discussed in ‘Existential’ theories)

Of my shortlist most are obvious, but the last one, freedom, may not sound right at first, for we believe that freedom is everything, or freedom is something we take for granted, or something we desire. But with freedom comes stress, for if we have freedom, we have to make choices and decisions and making our own decisions all the time can be exhausting. It is a responsibility that we do not always want. From which college to go to, what work to do, whether to have children, what energy supplier to use, car insurance company, which bank, which route to take for each journey… you get the idea. These decisions we have to make on a daily basis can be tiring.

So, firstly, let’s give ourselves a break if we find decision making a stressor at times.

Secondly, we don’t have to make all decisions on our own, we can seek advice on some of them. And thirdly, with all this freedom, it means we have choices.

We may not think we have freedom and choices a lot of the time as it’s easy to concentrate on the things we feel ‘stuck’ in or we may feel at times that life has given us a bad pack of cards, but having choices also means we can choose how we will react. And reaction is the key.

We do not have to keep reacting the same way, we can change and refresh ourselves.

We do not have to be a victim or prisoner of our past traumas. We can stop living in the past, and choose to make our current and future life the best we can.

We do not have to never trust anyone because one person hurt us. We can forge new relationships.

We don’t have to think our whole life is rubbish because one aspect of it isn’t so great.

We can choose to stay still in our negative thinking or choose to bring in more positivity.

We can choose to accept that just getting out of the door with our trainers on is better than not trying to go for a walk or run at all.

Life is not all or nothing, black or white, right or wrong.

Are you holding yourself back? (“I can’t try, there’s no point?”)

Can you make life a little more positive?

Can you be more optimistic than pessimistic?

Can you exercise your ability to choose to have the best life you can?

Something to think about .

If you would like therapy for anxiety but cannot access it, I have devised and filmed a 14 session programme for overcoming anxiety - please see my page for more details by clicking HERE

Feeling negative? Or anxious? Or low? Try this Positive Psychology exercise to help you

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 16:13:43 GMT

What do I feel grateful for? That is the question!

Feeling negative? Need help to create positive thoughts? This little exercise can help you to feel good in the moment…

What am I grateful for today?

Ask yourself this question each day for as many days, weeks, months as you wish. You could just ask yourself every evening; it’s a great habit that will help you to see that even if some things are not so good in life right now, we can still find positives.

Each day, I would like you to think of 5 things you are grateful for. They could be big things, down to the smallest of things you wouldn’t usually think about. That’s it.

It doesn’t take long, but it can be incredibly powerful for the mind.

It could be grateful for the sun shining when you went on a picnic

Or that someone held the door open for you when you had your hands full

Or that you had a nice meal or saw friends.

Anything you like.

Write them down in the same book or notepad every day. And, importantly, I would like one or two of them to be about YOU. What are you grateful for yourself for?

That you got the cleaning done that you didn't want to do? (grateful for your willpower),

That you did well at work? (grateful for your achievements)

Or that you stopped and gave yourself a break? (grateful for your self care)

You can do this alone or with another as a positive evening exercise that gets you thinking about the good stuff.

Have fun!

If you would like therapy for anxiety but cannot access it, I have devised and filmed a 14 session programme for overcoming anxiety - please see my page for more details by clicking HERE

Invalidation, an invalidating childhood and what it can do

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 12:38:09 GMT

Invalidation as a child can make it hard for us to acknowledge the emotions we feel

Invalidating environment – what is it?

An invalidating environment is one where the people around you don’t help you to deal with your emotions, whether they mean to or not. They may say you are wrong for feeling your emotions or punish/ignore you when you get emotional. I have had a lot of that from ex-boyfriends and also one of my brothers when I was young.

Invalidation

It may be that someone uses words or actions in doing something that upsets you repeatedly, yet indirectly.

Simply growing up in a family where everyone seems different from you can be invalidating, even if no one is telling you there is something wrong with you, you may think there is – like you are the black sheep or outsider. I know about this as well because I was surrounded by men who were older than me (Dad and three brothers) and the only female was my mother and she was mentally ill. I didn’t fit in somehow. I felt alone. I felt affected.

Abuse can be prevalent too – emotional and physical.

So, to recap, invalidation can be:

• People ignoring you when you are emotional

• Getting angry with you when you are emotional

• Dismissing you when you are emotional

• Rejecting you when you get really emotional

Being emotional can be great as it can make a person charismatic, interesting, passionate about life and feel others’ pain deeply and are often empathetic and sympathetic. People who are less emotional may not know exactly what to do with a very emotional person, especially an emotional child. It is back and forth with an invalidating environment and an emotional child/person.

The caregivers therefore are sometimes unable to deal with it and say ‘get on with it’ as they don’t know what to do even if they do care.

So if you are told not to feel something, then you may feel it worse, get defensive or feel out of control, becoming even more emotional than you were before. Then the caregivers may feel even less able to deal with it and feel out of control themselves, upset or angry.

One amplifies the other. When this happens repeatedly, emotionally vulnerable people may find it even harder to manage their emotions and may become afraid of their emotions and find them intolerable. This can lead to the spiral of wanting to self harm or worse.

One should feel validated with ones feelings, not to be told they are wrong in how they feel. It isn’t about emotions being wrong; it is about trying to understand what those feelings are and why a person might be feeling that way. Empathy is very important, and without it, invalidation occurs.

In short, if we grow up as a child without having our emotions validated by our caregivers, how are we supposed to know what an emotion is and how to deal with it? If we got sad when a friend moved away when we were six years old, and our caregiver said ‘Oh come on stop crying, you will make new friends’ it doesn’t teach us anything about that emotion we were feeling (in this case, sadness at the absence of our friend). So, next time we feel sad, we might dismiss it, hide it from our caregivers or turn it into a different emotion outwardly. We may feel weak for being sad since our caregiver didn’t help us to understand it before, they made us feel like it was wrong to feel sad, or silly. If we were told off for being sad, and were punished say, then maybe we would learn that when sadness comes on we should be hurt because the emotion is bad. So we might punish ourselves for the sadness – what a terrible scenario!

There are so many ways a person can invalidate, sometimes it might be on purpose, other times the person didn’t mean to, but it all results in the same – invalidation of a child’s emotions leading to a misunderstanding of what their emotions mean and how to deal with them. But, often the invalidation isn’t just in the childhood as many people invalidate others as adults as well, which just continues the momentum of misunderstanding ones emotions.

I have had therapies where the therapist was ‘on my side’ and validated my feelings, but they didn’t understand how ill I was – maybe because they couldn’t see it and maybe because I didn’t show them how mucked up I felt inside.

But I could also see how I allowed ex-boyfriends and friends to invalidate me when older, telling me that I was over emotional, that they couldn’t understand why I felt the way or reacted the way I did, or just ignored me when I was emotional instead of trying to understand me. When I realised the whole scenario of invalidation and how it has affected me in a negative way, I could understand that I needed to get into a relationship where my partner understood me and helped me to be well and to dismiss the invalidating relationships which were destructive to me.

What is important here is to surround yourself with validating people if you can, but most of all to use good self-care and self worth to ensure you validate yourself, and take time to notice how you feel, what you need and what you want.

If you would like therapy for anxiety but cannot access it, I have devised and filmed a 14 session programme for overcoming anxiety - please see my page for more details by clicking HERE

Mindfulness as a coping mechanism

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 12:16:11 GMT

Mindfulness as a coping mechanism and better living

The basics of being mindful are simple – ‘live ‘in the moment’.

If you are aware of your surroundings and senses fully in the moment, then you willl feel more relaxed, more at peace, more fulfilled and more real. Awareness is great for anyone, but can also be very helpful for beating the symptoms of depression, anxiety, stress, BPD, OCD and other mental distractions. Mindfulness is a very powerful practice and using your senses is part of that.

Just think about your five special senses:

Sight – look at photos, beautiful pictures, go out and se lovely scenery – be totally aware of the colours, shapes, patterns, darkness, brightness etc
Sound – listen and I mean really listen, and you will hear sounds you would not normally pick up; that tiny bird singing in a tree nearby, a child’s voice… It could be anything or nothing. Maybe you will find yourself in complete silence, but for most of us this isn’t the case, but be totally aware of any noises.
Touch – I love different textures, from my soft furry cat to screwed up paper when I am having a clear out (I love clear outs too!). From relaxing to stimulating, our sense of touch can be as ignored as the rest of our senses but being aware can even make washing up a more relaxing thing to do; warm water, bubbles…
Smell – For uplifting, there’s coffee, cakes baking, flowers like roses and fried onions LOL, but for relaxing, how about a walk in the fresh country air, or cut grass, dewy morning air, lavender oil… There are scents all around you.
Taste – has to be my favourite way to get myself back ‘in the moment’ especially in the past when I would be slightly ‘out of the real world’. These are never ending – two of my personal favourites are strong flavours like curry (comforting) and coffee (stimulating), but I like to practise eating and taking in every flavour so that I can work out the recipe – herbs, onions, spices – a bit like on ‘Masterchef’ but it’s a great way to really enjoy your food and appreciate the wonderful sense of taste we are blessed with.

You can do this at any time – stuck in a traffic jam, at home combined with awareness of your breathing as a kind of mindful meditation, whenever you feel you could do with this easy coping skill. It could just be a few minutes, or half hour, but when you reap the benefits, you can decide for yourself how often you want to practise it.

I will leave you with those ideas for now,

Take care.

If you would like therapy for anxiety but cannot access it, I have devised and filmed a 14 session programme for overcoming anxiety - please see my page for more details by clicking HERE

We all make assumptions but sometimes they can be detrimental

Tue, 29 Nov 2022 19:20:12 GMT

We all make assumptions but sometimes they can be detrimental

‘ Assumption’ – something that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.

We can believe many things, and make them our stories, but it doesn’t make them true.

We can believe things from:

our own imagination
our own ideas
our judgements of others’
our judgements of ourselves (we can project our judgements on others and think they think they think that of us)
because someone said so…

There are many more, but you get the gist.

The problem is, that if they are just assumptions, based on no proof at all, then we are on dangerous ground, for:

Accusing others’ of things they haven’t done
Spreading rumours that aren’t true
Hurting ourselves with presumed judgements of what people think about us
Making decisions based on untruths

This could result in:

Libel
Broken relationships, in family, friendships or love.
Low self-esteem, anxiety, depression…
Bullying
Impulsiveness
Bad decisions

All these outcomes can be very negative, and many can be prevented, if we look for truths rather than just jumping to conclusions, projecting our own ethics on others, or believing something without proof. For example, we can ask a person for facts or clarification.

Negative outcomes brought about by assumptions, are very common issues that crop up with clients in counselling sessions. Sometimes, it’s really hard to see that you are making an assumption until someone points it out or asks you directly, “What proof do you have, that it’s true?”

What it can sound like:

“Well he doesn’t love me, because he never says it”

“Have you asked him how he feels?”

“No.”

The man is attentive, and shows he loves her, but the person needs him to tell her.

I ask, “Do you tell him you love him?”

“No.”

or…

“I’m going to lose my job, and I’m very anxious about it.”

“Why are you going to lose your job?”

“Because there have been rumours of redundancies”

“Has anyone said anything?”

“No.”

“Have you asked your management?”

“No, but I’m getting in a state about it.”

Today, think about whether you make assumptions and how you could stop; how you could get facts over fiction. We can believe our own stories so much, that we make them our truths, and it’s not healthy. We can even have pretend conversations in our head with the person and make them our reality too. It’s easy to do, often with difficult results.

We can accept other people’s stories’ as being true as well, because of their assumptions…

Ask questions, seek the truth, and often you will receive the right answers

If you would like therapy for anxiety but cannot access it, I have devised and filmed a 14 session programme for overcoming anxiety - please see my page for more details by clicking HERE

Being 'real' and 'authentic'

Tue, 29 Nov 2022 08:16:26 GMT

The importance of being real and authentic

I have been researching the idea of being an ‘authentic self’ which is where we are true to ourselves and others, not covered up by our persona’s and fear of judgement from others’. This then led onto ‘authentic relationships’ which is where we have trustworthy, worthwhile, two-way relationships with people who do the same. Hard to come by sometimes nowadays, but the concepts are interesting and have fuelled me to strive towards both myself as they will save conflict, build trust, and make for better living. I do not feel either are totally achievable, but the ideas lead to some ways we can better ourselves and our relationships. One of the core things we need in life are good relationships and a good sense of self. I will be writing more about existential theory and our other needs in life soon, but until then, I shall share my learning and thoughts on being authentic first.

The ‘Authentic Self’

People pleasing, pretending to be nice, saying what we think people want to hear, amongst other things, are actually masking our authentic, true self. In this day-and-age, we tend to use ‘personas’ a lot where we act and communicate a certain way depending on who we are with. We might be more open and honest in a partner/marriage relationships than we do at work or with our family and we can end up having multiple personas, which is exhausting!

Do you use personas?

I am not saying their use is wrong. In fact, they can be helpful and self-protective in their nature, because we might keep with certain ethics with a person, or be politically correct with them. We might speak more clearly with people to make ourselves sound better, or pretend to be jolly and happy and successful when we are not. It is OK to be honest in the relationships that matter, so the goal is to decide which ones are important to you and work out how you can be more authentic with that person.

We spend our lives avoiding being judged by others’ but who are they to judge? We are all individuals and need to appreciate that we are all different. If we can be authentic then we can enjoy our own individuality and can grow as a person much more freely.

This does not mean we should let go of diplomacy and just tell everyone what we think because that is not always helpful to the other person(s) or ourselves if it ruins our relationships, but it is about getting a balance.

Anger can be a mask we wear when we are feeling vulnerable and scared. How can the other person know that we are vulnerable and scared and help us by validating our feelings if all we show them is anger and push them away? Of course, it might be the case that we don’t know ourselves that we are vulnerable and scared and just feel the anger, but practising being authentic could help us reveal these types of things as well.

Although we are in a society that pushes us to be successful or making money/having nice things etc, being genuine is also important. I know, myself, that the things that bring a tear to my eye the most are stories of genuine people who are honest about themselves and their relationships or battles with health for example. It is not about laying ourselves bare, making us vulnerable, it is just about being true to ourselves. Like most things in life, it’s about balance.

Put two people together who are not anywhere near authentic to themselves, and you can imagine it isn’t the best recipe for a trustworthy, authentic relationship. We might blame each other for the relationship being troubled or uncomfortable, but it could just be that we are both just not being genuine.

‘Authentic Relationships’

Many relationships are superficial

Many have no trust – built on lies

It’s all about me, me, me not we, we, we.

Many stay together despite there being abuse, arguments and other negatives.

To have something of an authentic relationship is special. It happens when two people are honest, authentic to themselves, and compassionate, as much as they can be.

Trust is a huge part of a good relationship. If you lie to someone or they lie to you, how can you be authentic? Lying can hurt you as a person, possibly even more than the person you are lying to.

You may desire or seek to change yourself, but trying to change another person to suit you is a sure-fire way to push the other person away. I talk about individuality a lot myself, and even have the word tattooed on my back in Japanese, because we need to recognise that everyone is different and they have a right to be, just as we do ourselves. Our thoughts, ethics, behaviours etc are different and it is something to be enjoyed, not fought against.

Be as authentic as you can in how you communicate with others. Instead of loading questions, hinting and expecting them to know exactly what you mean, be honest. If we lead people to make their own assumptions about what we mean, it could become a disaster. In the same way, if we make assumptions about others’ instead of asking them to be more clear about what they mean, that could be equally negative.

Be aware of the purpose of your relationships with people. Are they worthwhile to you, and are you worthwhile to them? We can tend to just keep relationships of any kind going just because we don’t want to ‘fail’ or ‘lose’ in relationships, but that is not enough reason to keep them going. They need to be beneficial, not in a selfish way, but in a useful way.

If you would like therapy for anxiety but cannot access it, I have devised and filmed a 14 session programme for overcoming anxiety - please see my page for more details by clicking HERE

Handling worry and fear and what causes it

Tue, 29 Nov 2022 07:47:11 GMT

Dealing with worry and fear and what causes it

Our lives are becoming more and more plagued by worry and fear. Existentially, fear is natural and our responses to fear help us to make the right decisions or act out ‘fight or flight’ as necessary. Losing a job, moving to a new place, doing something we’ve never done before or even fear of death are all natural and we must find coping mechanisms in order to deal with them.

But, on top of natural fears, fear is driven into us by the media; scare mongering is rife in newspapers, on the news and in many other areas. Not just the media; government do the same from ground level upwards. They seek to scare us into voting a certain way or accepting things we wouldn’t usually want to accept.

So, with all this fear created around us, what do we do about it?

Well, as you read this, you can be sure that whatever you have been fearful of in the past has been dealt with. YOU dealt with it. YOU have survived – so never forget that! YOU can do it again and again.

How did you get through when you were tackling something you feared? Have a think and write it down. Each event that occurred, how you felt, what you thought, and what you did. Did you call on others to help or deal with it alone? Did you spend a lot of time procrastinating or did you tackle it quickly? What resources did you use? (people, objects, the internet…) Did you call a professional in to help? Did it cost money to sort out or did you find a way to save money?

When we are mindful of what we have already been through, it helps us to be confident that we can deal with things as they arise… Because, let’s face it, they will arise.

Now write down all the resources you have. This could be friends or family or professional contacts. It will also be all the skills you have in life (you never know when first aid or the ability to be an advocate for someone might come in handy) Write down everything you can do. It will be a long list. Then, think about all the things you have; a car, a computer, mobile phone etc. All the things you can utilise if you need them if faced with a problem.

All these things will help you to feel ready to take on your fears or things that come along out of the blue. The more confident you feel, the easier it will be to think clearly and know you can sort things out. You may also avoid the ‘fight or flight’ sensations and the behaviours that go along with them, again leading to a clearer mind.

Write down the fear or event and think about all your options. Write them down and look at the pros and cons. Logicalise the situation – analyse possible outcomes for each choice if there are any choices.

Sharing our fears and problems is good as long as we do not get more confused by the varying suggestions from different people. The choice is yours. It can be great to get advice from people we know, but try to choose optimistic people, or people who are resourceful. If someone is pessimistic, they may instil more fear than you already had if they look on the bad side of things. If someone always goes to others’ for help, they may not be able to help as much as you need. Just a thought.

Try not to avoid your smaller fears. Whatever they are, tackle them head on. The chances are that if you overcome your smaller fears, you will be more ready if something bigger happens, as you will be primed to deal with the effects of fear. We are not talking about risky things, just things that bring a small amount of fear to you. You will move your life on and gain more confidence. And it will be easier, because it will be YOUR choice to tackle them as and when you are ready. You will feel proud of yourself too for overcoming fears.

As for the media, we cannot change what they do, but unless it is something that is going to affect you badly directly, why worry so much? You are giving in to them and letting them rule your life and happiness and calm. Make it your choice to bring more calm into your life, and if a fear arises, imagine you are tackling it in your mind. See yourself sorting it out. If a negative thought comes, turn it on its head into a positive one.

Take back control of your life, and don’t let fear or anyone else control it for you. Make your own choices and accept them.

Do what you can and accept that it is all you can do. Accept your limitations and be honest with yourself and others.

If you would like therapy for anxiety but cannot access it, I have devised and filmed a 14 session programme for overcoming anxiety - please see my page for more details by clicking HERE

We most often have them but do we use them to live our best lives? Choice and freedom!

Mon, 27 Sep 2021 12:34:58 GMT

Throughout our lives there will be a multitude of stressors. Many will be connected to our mere existence and our personal experience of it. In other words, just being alive can create stress as we manoeuvre our way through life.

A few big ones that can hit us hard are:

Death (our own mortality or losing a loved one)

Thoughts of why am I here or what am I supposed to do?

Loneliness or lack of connection to others

Moving home

Divorce/Break up

Freedom